Brow furrowing, Vince watches Vincent as he talks, and there's some fucked up mix of heartache and pride tugging at his chest. He knows Vincent struggles talking about this, understands that the energy the other man's using to explain his feelings must be immense.
And Vince is proud as fuck of him for it. Not that his pride helps with how his lover feels, but at least he's hoping finally being able to express it will help getting it out of his headspace.
"What d'you want for you?"
Their childhoods couldn't have been more different, and where Vincent was dragged up on the streets, Vince was nurtured as he grew in the clan. He understands the desire to go back, at least, because even the rough conditions of the desert and society shunning them didn't take away how supported he was. He'd go back and find Vincent, pull him into the clan and protect him with his life.
Vincent could feel some pre-canned response about wanting to make money, to be at the top of Night City and be the best edgerunner there's been - or whatever - start to claw itself up his throat but he made himself stop and take a moment to really consider the question. He had never really given it much thought.
"I... Never really thought about it. When my mom died I didn't think I'd make it a year. When I started, uh, working... I didn't think I'd make it to eighteen. And twenty-one, twenty-five... I never really planned for more than just gettin' by for a day'r a week."
He gave himself a few minutes to really think about it. He was originally going to give the answer that he wanted to be the best, to be at the top of Night City's elite but that answer stemmed from when he was younger: to make sure nobody ever fucked with him again. And even that answer came from a single urge: survive. He'd always assumed he would die long before he could really do anything with himself and now he was thirty. For all of his success, for all the money he'd earned before things grew too bad, he still knew he was missing something. His hand rested lightly on Vince's leg and he finally met his gaze.
"All I ever really wanted was to feel safe; have somewhere I belong'n call home." He paused and his gaze lowered again. "Just always wanted a family, I guess. Someone to wake up next to, a place together somewhere I don't got to hear gunshots all night."
He was being very earnest and it was obvious he was maybe a little embarrassed by it. It was also rather obvious that there was more to it than what he said but he didn't seem too keen on continuing.
Even if Vincent had tried that explanation with Vince, the nomad would have nodded, let him for a time, until Vincent'd dug down deeper for the truth. It's not Vince's truth to uncover, and he's not here to force those kind of revelations whether that's new information or just unearthing what's already there.
But Vincent opts to do that work here and now, and all the scruffy nomad has in response for a moment is the way his fingers squeeze into the other man's. Night City will always be gunshots at night and both of them know that. He's just never thought about how Vincent would feel leaving it all behind.
"Want that for ya, too."
Of course he does, and he knows Vincent's aware of that. But he's here to be a sounding board, to listen and ask questions. He just doesn't want those questions to inadvertently be serving his own agenda, no matter how much he tries not to have one.
He's not going to ask the other man if he'd leave Night City. Not yet, anyway. But he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel deeply in his bones that it would be good for both of them to leave and never look back.
Feeling that little squeeze of affection from Vince brought him a great deal of comfort. It pulled him back from his own head a little and brought him back to just sitting next to Vince and having a conversation. If anyone other than Vince (or Kerry, of course - though Vincent was disinclined to have this conversation with him) said they wanted it for him too he would assume it was disingenuous and his hackles would raise and his teeth would bare.
"Feels stupid to say out loud. The only goal I should have in Night City's to claw my way to the top, get rich, and look down on everyone. Night City's no place for a family when you're cut from cloth like mine."
The thought of leaving Night City hadn't even crossed Vincent's mind. He tried to leave once - he went to Atlanta for two years. For two years he was free of all of the Night City Arasaka bullshit and for some reason, he was stupid enough to go back to it all. As far as he was concerned if he tried to leave again then he would just end up crawling back to it. He loved the way the city moved and the feeling of it - the neon was in his veins as much as it lit the streets. He was addicted to Night City like he was his vices.
"Just... Always thought money'd let me be happy but it don't bring the dead back, and I don't have enough to buy security."
Maybe buying some peace of mind didn't matter being as lethal as he was but he just wanted to move on and live his life. He didn't want to spend the rest of his days looking over his shoulder in his own home.
"Ever heard that sayin' money don't bring happiness?"
Heard it more times than he can count, but somewhere along the way people started getting confused about what it actually means. Doesn't mean that the poor should stay in their poverty and be grateful for their scraps. Means that, at some point, wealth becomes intangible and whatever feeling that went with it becomes hard to grasp.
Doesn't mean he can't empathize with how Vincent's feeling right now. He doesn't explain his entire thought process, just shakes his head almost imperceptibly and then eventually nods his agreement. With Arasaka in pieces there's no philosophical question either related to Soulkiller.
"Dunno how that feels, bein' so tied to a place... and I know it makes it hard for me understand fully. People're my destination. What I think is this city gets its claws in as you're clawin' your way to the top."
He didn't really mean it and his voice gave him away. It carried an annoyed affection in it - something he didn't want to hear but he was admitting that the point Vince made was correct. He knew that now but as a kid it was so easy to think that money was the answer to everything. Everyone who had money seemed to be successful and seemed to be safe and happy and comfortable. To a kid who was lucky to eat once a day? Money was definitely the answer. And, well, credit where credit was due: there were things now that Vincent didn't have to worry about anymore that were constantly consuming him when he was young. He was, in some ways, more content.
"Night City's the city'f dreams. Work hard enough, stab enough people in the back, kill enough'n you can become the king of it all. Can be richer than Ker if you play your cards right but damn the target on your back gets to be so big."
Vincent had more to say but he was relaxed enough to feel unhurried to arrive at his point. Times like this where he was alone with Vince for enough time allowed Vincent the luxury of slowing down - rare for someone so entrenched in Night City's bullshit. A luxury most of them would never know.
"Night City's the only thing that's been constant in my life. It's the only thing that I know. I know all the streets, I know all the gangs, I know the big players. I know the rules'f survival here. Night City's all I ever had'n it's all I know."
Vincent was a creature of habit - he'd lived over half of his life in fear and desperate clawing at the unknown to simply see the next day. To ask him to leave the only thing he really knew and could trust to remain the same was a rather large ask, and demanded of him a huge leap of faith.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2022-07-01 08:00 am (UTC)And Vince is proud as fuck of him for it. Not that his pride helps with how his lover feels, but at least he's hoping finally being able to express it will help getting it out of his headspace.
"What d'you want for you?"
Their childhoods couldn't have been more different, and where Vincent was dragged up on the streets, Vince was nurtured as he grew in the clan. He understands the desire to go back, at least, because even the rough conditions of the desert and society shunning them didn't take away how supported he was. He'd go back and find Vincent, pull him into the clan and protect him with his life.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-03 02:30 am (UTC)"I... Never really thought about it. When my mom died I didn't think I'd make it a year. When I started, uh, working... I didn't think I'd make it to eighteen. And twenty-one, twenty-five... I never really planned for more than just gettin' by for a day'r a week."
He gave himself a few minutes to really think about it. He was originally going to give the answer that he wanted to be the best, to be at the top of Night City's elite but that answer stemmed from when he was younger: to make sure nobody ever fucked with him again. And even that answer came from a single urge: survive. He'd always assumed he would die long before he could really do anything with himself and now he was thirty. For all of his success, for all the money he'd earned before things grew too bad, he still knew he was missing something. His hand rested lightly on Vince's leg and he finally met his gaze.
"All I ever really wanted was to feel safe; have somewhere I belong'n call home." He paused and his gaze lowered again. "Just always wanted a family, I guess. Someone to wake up next to, a place together somewhere I don't got to hear gunshots all night."
He was being very earnest and it was obvious he was maybe a little embarrassed by it. It was also rather obvious that there was more to it than what he said but he didn't seem too keen on continuing.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-04 12:24 pm (UTC)But Vincent opts to do that work here and now, and all the scruffy nomad has in response for a moment is the way his fingers squeeze into the other man's. Night City will always be gunshots at night and both of them know that. He's just never thought about how Vincent would feel leaving it all behind.
"Want that for ya, too."
Of course he does, and he knows Vincent's aware of that. But he's here to be a sounding board, to listen and ask questions. He just doesn't want those questions to inadvertently be serving his own agenda, no matter how much he tries not to have one.
He's not going to ask the other man if he'd leave Night City. Not yet, anyway. But he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel deeply in his bones that it would be good for both of them to leave and never look back.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-06 04:03 am (UTC)"Feels stupid to say out loud. The only goal I should have in Night City's to claw my way to the top, get rich, and look down on everyone. Night City's no place for a family when you're cut from cloth like mine."
The thought of leaving Night City hadn't even crossed Vincent's mind. He tried to leave once - he went to Atlanta for two years. For two years he was free of all of the Night City Arasaka bullshit and for some reason, he was stupid enough to go back to it all. As far as he was concerned if he tried to leave again then he would just end up crawling back to it. He loved the way the city moved and the feeling of it - the neon was in his veins as much as it lit the streets. He was addicted to Night City like he was his vices.
"Just... Always thought money'd let me be happy but it don't bring the dead back, and I don't have enough to buy security."
Maybe buying some peace of mind didn't matter being as lethal as he was but he just wanted to move on and live his life. He didn't want to spend the rest of his days looking over his shoulder in his own home.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 01:21 pm (UTC)Heard it more times than he can count, but somewhere along the way people started getting confused about what it actually means. Doesn't mean that the poor should stay in their poverty and be grateful for their scraps. Means that, at some point, wealth becomes intangible and whatever feeling that went with it becomes hard to grasp.
Doesn't mean he can't empathize with how Vincent's feeling right now. He doesn't explain his entire thought process, just shakes his head almost imperceptibly and then eventually nods his agreement. With Arasaka in pieces there's no philosophical question either related to Soulkiller.
"Dunno how that feels, bein' so tied to a place... and I know it makes it hard for me understand fully. People're my destination. What I think is this city gets its claws in as you're clawin' your way to the top."
no subject
Date: 2022-07-22 01:46 am (UTC)He didn't really mean it and his voice gave him away. It carried an annoyed affection in it - something he didn't want to hear but he was admitting that the point Vince made was correct. He knew that now but as a kid it was so easy to think that money was the answer to everything. Everyone who had money seemed to be successful and seemed to be safe and happy and comfortable. To a kid who was lucky to eat once a day? Money was definitely the answer. And, well, credit where credit was due: there were things now that Vincent didn't have to worry about anymore that were constantly consuming him when he was young. He was, in some ways, more content.
"Night City's the city'f dreams. Work hard enough, stab enough people in the back, kill enough'n you can become the king of it all. Can be richer than Ker if you play your cards right but damn the target on your back gets to be so big."
Vincent had more to say but he was relaxed enough to feel unhurried to arrive at his point. Times like this where he was alone with Vince for enough time allowed Vincent the luxury of slowing down - rare for someone so entrenched in Night City's bullshit. A luxury most of them would never know.
"Night City's the only thing that's been constant in my life. It's the only thing that I know. I know all the streets, I know all the gangs, I know the big players. I know the rules'f survival here. Night City's all I ever had'n it's all I know."
Vincent was a creature of habit - he'd lived over half of his life in fear and desperate clawing at the unknown to simply see the next day. To ask him to leave the only thing he really knew and could trust to remain the same was a rather large ask, and demanded of him a huge leap of faith.