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[bodyoftheseus]

« notanetrunner » TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION V ✦ Cyberpunk 2077
RESIDENCE ✦ Emerald District, alone w/2 cats
GEMBOND ✦ Ruby
It's V; you know what to do.

INFO ✧ PERMISSIONS ✧ KINKLIST

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[bodyoftheseus]

[ He relaxed a little as Kerry admitted Vince didn't send him. He shook his head a little at the apology. The movement made him sway just a little. ]

I didn't exactly reach out either when I should've. Really should be me at your door 'n not the other way around.

[secondconflict]

[Kerry reaches out his hand, offering for V to take it as a way of connecting.]

Yeah, well, it's not every day someone you know goes close to cyberpscyho. We both had our shit to deal with. Now I'm just seein' what I can do to make things right. Or thereabouts.

[bodyoftheseus]

[ V looks at Kerry's hand and considers it for a long while. Eventually, V took Kerry's hand tentatively. The anger that V felt towards Vince was immense, but it was a smokescreen for the hurt he felt. Deep and seemingly bottomless. V's hand doesn't really tighten around Kerry's. He fully expected Kerry to pull away from him. ]

This ain't on you t'make things right, Ker. Don't think you can make things right here. This kinda thing's fucked.

[ A pause. ] More'n anythin' I'm... I'm sorry it happened. You sure's hell don't deserve it.

[secondconflict]

[Kerry doesn't pull away from that anger. He's the one that closes his hand to make sure that V understands he's here to accept that anger, not judge it. His own emotions are a mix of worry, guilt, and sadness. He had really made all the wrong choices during this mess, but he had been so afraid that Vince really had gone cyberpsycho and even more afraid that that meant he'd have to be put down. Rather than face that fact, he had hidden.

If it had been true... Chances are a lot of people would have been killed. He had weighed that fact against the life of one person, and chosen the second. More proof that he was stupid and selfish.

That's where most of his guilt comes from. His worry is for the state he finds V in. He really should have reached out sooner.]

Maybe not. What I can do is give you company.

If you'll have it.

[bodyoftheseus]

[ V's initial reaction to Kerry's hand closing around his is almost like having a knife twisted in his gut. He was scared. After what happened with Vince his trust was running very thin and as much as he wanted to trust Kerry, to believe him in that promise that he'd stay, he was so afraid that Kerry would leave him too. And then what? He wouldn't be able to live through that.

But V held no grudge for Kerry pulling away after whatever interaction he'd had with Vince. It's exactly what he had been doing up until Kerry walked into his home. He was considering turning him down and sending him out so he could keep diving deeper and deeper into his bad habits, but he could recall a conversation he had with Jackie and a promise he had made.

He felt guilt that Kerry had to come to him and not the other way, but he was going to do his best not to linger on it. ]

Mi casa es tu casa, mi amor. [ He kissed Kerry's knuckles. ] Day I turn down your company or toss you out's day you should put me in rehab.

[ For as much anger he had beneath the surface, he was certainly keeping it together well on the surface. ]

[secondconflict]

Fuck, me too. [Kerry agrees. He sighs then, realizing some of the tension in his body.]

When's the last time you ate? We could order in somethin' or whatever.

[Which is one way to say he's planning on being here for a while today.]

[bodyoftheseus]

[ The question of if he had eaten caught V a little off guard. It was something he hadn't even considered. The pause should tell Kerry all he needed to know. ]

Uh.... [ A non-committal shrug. He wasn't about to admit out loud it's probably been two days. ] Orderin' in sounds good. Don't got much here. Whatever you want, my treat.

I'm... Real glad you came.

[secondconflict]

[Kerry feels like he should have done much more than show up.]

We both could use some time together. [He admits, after a moment, then he moves to order some food for them both. He picks something simple and easy, not sure what the state of V's stomach is right now.]

[bodyoftheseus]

[ It took quite a bit of V's self-control to bite back on a bitter comment and cage it behind his teeth, and he took a moment to swallow it down with a generous amount of liquor. ]

I... I'm sorry. I'm not good at all this. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. All I ever done was find ways to just drown it all out.

[ And it was all he wanted to do now. Drink, have sex, or do anything else to shove this feeling deep down somewhere he didn't have to look at it, anything to ignore the exhaustion in his bones. ]

[secondconflict]

I get that. That's half the way I dealt with the shit in my life. [The other half was music, of course. But V's art is violence. He isn't sure what outlet they have for that here.]

Don't have to be good at this, V. Just haveta be.

[bodyoftheseus]

[ Violence was the path he was forced onto and the only one he'd ever known. It was true that V had no outlet for that and some part of him was rather restless, but it was not the time or place. ]

Just bein' was more Vin-

[ He caught himself and cut himself off, his jaw setting as he grew tense. ]

I'm sorry.

[secondconflict]

What for?

Talk to me.

[bodyoftheseus]

Just not something I want to bring up, doubt it's something you really wanna talk about.

[secondconflict]

[Kerry is tempted to leave it at that, but his desire to not deal with something unpleasant is what lead him to hide from everything the last couple weeks.]

Fuck what I want, what matters is what you need. But, if you don't wanna then I'm not gonna force ya.

[bodyoftheseus]

Don't know what I need. Sure know what I thought I needed, but maybe I wouldn't be here right now if I actually knew what I really need.

[He was quiet a moment, considering another drink. He opted against it as he looked back to Kerry. His face and presence was such a comfort.]

Haven't been this kinda hurt since I was a kid. Didn't think I'd find m'self in this kinda situation after that, but.

[A shrug.]

Guess it lends itself to your whole loops thing, much's I don't want to admit it.

[secondconflict]

Heartbreak has a way of rearin' its ugly head when you least 'xpect it. [He's been around long enough to know that's the case.]

I wanna say it will get better, but that shit always sounds like lip service. 'm here, though, if there's anythin' I can do to help.

[bodyoftheseus]

Doesn't rear its head if you don't let anyone close. [Which he already failed at, given Kerry. And then, of course, Vince.]

Issue is I don't know where to even begin with this kinda thing. Last time it happened like this I just decided not to let anyone in. [A drink.]

Worked great. Kept my head a nice'n tidy box. Worked hard, got my eddies, really built a life - even with the whole Johnny thing. Things were overall pretty good.

[He was quiet for a moment. He turned towards Kerry, letting his arm rest on the back of the couch behind Kerry.]

You make things complicated, you know that?