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[bodyoftheseus]

« notanetrunner » TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION V ✦ Cyberpunk 2077
RESIDENCE ✦ Emerald District, alone w/2 cats
GEMBOND ✦ Ruby
It's V; you know what to do.

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[bodyoftheseus]

[ whether roman sat on the edge of the bed or not he didn't respond. he kept his back to roman and didn't bother to even look at him. ]

Maybe you should take a hint and fuck off.

[ v seemed to pull himself into a tighter ball as he said this. it was as if it hurt him to say as much as he hoped it would hurt roman to hear. he didn't want to say it all and he hated that he felt he had to do this but he had realized how much he cared about roman and after jackie leaving, and vince leaving, and now connor leaving... he couldn't. he knew if he lost someone else he wouldn't be able to take it. it would kill him.

he fell quiet again as he considered the question and tried to think back when he last ate but he'd drugged and drank himself to the point he genuinely didn't know the answer. so, of course, he chose not to answer. ]

[pararomantic]

[ there's a long stretch of silence before roman opens up his bag, the rustling of plastic bags and soft waxed paper take out boxes. he breaks the paper bag and lays it out like a makeshift blanket, setting out the food regardless of being told to fuck off. ]

Yeah? Tell me how you really feel. Go on.

[ his voice is quiet as he leaves the food there on the bed like an offering and moves to take the plastic bag and start collecting some trash from around the bed itself. bottles, paper, whatever. ]

If you really wanna bite? Let me have it.

[bodyoftheseus]

[ as much as he wanted roman to fuck off and leave him alone (permanent) he was too tired, too filled with grief, too strung out to really piece together anything. as much as the food was tempting he simply let it sit. he knew that he should eat but he didn't want it since roman had brought it - he didn't want to encourage the behavior.

he sighed heavily. ]

You're a real good fuck, a real good fuck, but that's all you ever been.

[ that was a lie and both of them knew it. the feelings they'd shared because of the synchrony proved it was a blatant lie but he said it nonetheless. he was keeping his back to roman as if to hide that he knew that he was lying. ]

Don't want you here.

[pararomantic]

[ he shifts eventually to just.

sit. sure. ]

Tell me something I don't know, V.

[ roman says it quietly, like it doesn't affect him, pinging off his skin like it usually does. he's been called a whore, a good fuck, a slut, "just a way to pass the time" or a distraction. and he would say he doesn't care, but god does it still hurt each and every time. the heavy sigh tells him that v is... fighting him. and he doesn't intend to leave unless bodily removed. ]

I read people better than you know. So.

What's going on? Why are you pushing me away? [ because roman knows he can't promise that he won't leave. this place plucks people left and right, vanishing them in the middle of the day or night.

but fuck if he doesn't want to... if he doesn't want to just stay. ]

[bodyoftheseus]

[ v hated that he'd managed to say the words he did. it made his stomach turn even if he didn't want roman to be here and he feared losing this fight. he hated that this was hurting him to do but it confirmed to him that he'd let this go on too long. ]

Pushin' you away 'cause I realized what I wanted.

[ v shifted so that he was looking over his shoulder at roman briefly. ]

What I want's not you. This thing between us? Fuckin' mistake.

[ v returned back to keeping his back to roman, refusing to look at him. ]

[pararomantic]

You can't even look me in the eye and say it properly. You don't mean it.

[ he rubs his nose a little bit, sniffing. he's not sad, or some shit, he's just. thinking. fuck. ]

If you think lying's going to work, V... I pick apart lies for a living. I can sit here all day unless you remove me yourself or let your cat have at me.

[ he shakes his head ] I don't want to leave you alone, V... not when you're... clearly having a time. [ he gestures to everything around them, the mess, the drugs, the empty bottles that are only slightly lessened because some of them clink heavily in roman's plastic bag. ] Are you gonna to tell me the truth or are you gonna keep saying mean things to me like people haven't been doing it since I started using my body for work.

I'd prefer we talk about the truth. I think that's a lot more respectful to the both of us.

'Specially because I care about you.

[bodyoftheseus]

[ v was silent and still while roman spoke - easy enough to write off as ignoring roman up until he seemed to flinch when roman admitted he cared about v. he didn't want to hear that. people shouldn't care for him. if they did they were signing their own death sentence. he couldn't lose anyone else to his own fucking bad luck.

he was quiet for a while longer but he did eventually speak again. he spoke softly, his voice flat and forcibly devoid of emotion. ]

You need to stop caring 'n forget about me. It would save us both a lot of time and grief.

[ he paused a moment before he continued. ]

I'm a broken man who's got no redeeming qualities. I'm a waste'f your time'n your goodwill. You can't fix me. I'll just hurt you. It's all I'm good at.

[ true or not, v genuinely believed what he said this time. it was his truth even if it may not be the literal truth. ]

[pararomantic]

Yeah, but the thing is V, I'm not here to fix you.

[ roman knows well enough that this? this is the sort of situation where v has to want it bad enough to try. no amount of tugging or pushing or pulling is going to help anyone "fix" v, whatever that fucking means. sure he has an attitude and a tough shell, but god he's sweet and funny beneath all of that, and roman wants to keep that and cherish it.

he looks at v, his brow furrowed. ]

I'm no saint by any means. I'm friends with you because I like you regardless of who or what or how you are. You're... I care about you, V. No amount of calling me "just a good fuck" is going to get me to just give up on how much I care about you, okay?

[ he closes his eyes ] I just want to be here for you, because clearly you're hurting, or you're... uncertain. [ "afraid" maybe, but he won't say it. ]

Can't help it, V. I am what I am. And I like you for who you are. Nothing needs fixing unless that's what you want. And that's not being naïve or some shit, that's just human nature. We've got flaws and vices and sins up to the sky, and frankly, I don't have time to judge people on those or want to manhandle them into a shape they don't want to bend into. If I like some... it's for who they've shown me they are.

[bodyoftheseus]

[ v remained still up until roman said he wouldn't give up caring for him. this made v hug himself tighter, one of his hands wrapping around the back of his head and pulling his head down to his chest, fingers rubbing the back of his head in a nervous tick before his fingers curled into a fist. his breathing had grown unsteady and labored as if he were a step away from crying.

he was internally tearing himself apart: the rational part of him recognized what roman was saying and accepted it as truth and found comfort in it but what was left of him knew that roman was only saying what he wanted to hear and wanted something from him. and even if roman was being genuine, if he wasn't just saying things to get something from him, v knew that whatever the hell this was wouldn't last. if roman didn't leave then v'd ruin it somehow. he always did. he was no good. ]

I... want to believe you, Roman. I really do. There's a part of me that's finding comfort in what you say and I so much want to take what you're sayin' at face value and just accept it but I just can't.

[ he hesitated here. he considered letting his thread fall and simply leaving it at where it was. he slowly uncurled and finally looked over his shoulder to roman. the other man couldn't see the way that he was picking at the skin around the metal inlay in his arms but that didn't mean he wasn't doing it. ]

There's this dark part of me that's just black as pitch and it tells me you're just sayin' all this to make me feel better so things go back to how they were. You could weaponize what we got against me, use my trust to betray me so that you can have whatever you want from me. Always been better to burn the bridge long before things get there.

[ he stopped straining to look at roman but he didn't fully turn away from him. ]

Even if it don't come to that then you could always leave like everyone else, or I could fuck everything up like I'm prone to doing.